


forgiveness

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst With A Bittersweet Ending, Child Abuse, F/M, Gen, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Parental David Rossi, Sad Aaron Hotchner, post episode 100, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28571988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: “you need to forgive yourself aaron,” he whispered.aaron turned to him, eyes filled with tears. “dave, i can’t.”“but why not?”“because i don’t deserve it.”aaron hotchner has never known forgiveness. not as a child and certainly not now haley's blood covers his hands. dave just wants him to understand that he's human.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner (past)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> nobody asked for this and even i don’t know what’s going on but i was watching the season six premiere of how to get away with murder and the scene with the cushions actually destroyed me so now we’re here. all i really know about this is that it hasn’t been proofread at all and it’s set after 100.
> 
> there’s hotch crying and being sad because he blames himself for everything that happens and dave telling him he’s loved and giving him a much-needed hug so yeah that’s all i have to say about this one.
> 
> trigger warnings: child abuse, religious trauma, unhealthy thinking patterns, ptsd, references to infant deaths

Aaron Hotchner had always forgiven people because he felt like he needed to. Otherwise they would leave and he would be left with no one. Because there was no way they were the problem. It had to be him. He was the reason the bad things happened, and so he had to be the one that forgave.

He forgave his father for every bruise and mark that he carried into adulthood because at least his father never touched Sean. At least the old bastard died before Sean could become a victim. Because every time Aaron took the hit, his mother survived.

And he forgave his mother because if it hadn’t been for him, she would never have been hurt. He knew that because he’d been told it enough times. He was left-handed. The spitting image of his father. A version of the devil hiding in plain sight and the Bible had no forgiveness or mercy for people like him. Only those that were forced to deal with him.

He forgave Elle for her words because that wasn’t her. That wasn’t who she was because the real Elle Greenaway would never speak to him like that. She would soften her tone and give him hesitant smiles that he never knew how to return because what had he been thinking? The job stripped people of their humanity, and yet he had taken her on.

So when she lashed out like that, well, she was right. He’d sent her home instead of giving Anderson the right instructions. How was he supposed to know? Anderson was just a rookie. Hotch should have taken her himself and her blood was on his hands.

Haley never did anything wrong. She was good, and kind and perfect. She was the kind of person that was redeemed no matter what happened. She was the perfect mother and the dutiful wife and the priest had never once looked at her with disdain because she did what she was meant to. 

Aaron’s demons were never meant to find her because he was supposed to protect her from them. He was supposed to keep her safe. Love and cherish her, till death did they part. She was never supposed to realise how much churches made him shake and sweat, the memory of Bible verses being screamed in his face as his father brought the belt down again and again forever at the forefront of his mind.

But she died and her blood didn’t just stain his hands, it completely covered them. He would swim in her blood until he died because it was his fault. He could forgive the team for not getting there quicker and Kassmeyer for revealing their location because there was nothing they could have done.

There was so much he could have done. Taken the transfer. Taken the deal. Stopped fighting that day in the hospital so Foyet would give up. Never quit prosecuting. Accepted that someone as good as Haley was not meant for him.

It was why he found himself in the church they’d gotten married in, head bowed as he tried to pray for forgiveness. He would accept his penance, whatever form it came in, so long as it did not take Jack from him. He would give his life to repay for all the ones that had been lost because of him.

He just wanted it all to stop. He wanted to wake up and not feel sick to his stomach. He wanted to hold his son without fearing the trigger that would lead to him becoming the next criminal hunted by his own teammates. He wanted to feel happy and light and innocent again.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever known innocence.

Dave found him, sat there, with his head buried in his hands and he immediately knew what was going on. How many times had he sat there after James, begging for answers? 

Carolyn had forgiven him, not because he was at fault, but because he needed to hear the words. She had never blamed him- he understood that now- but she had still told him that he was forgiven because it was the only thing that would give him reason to hold on.

Even though he had lost a son, he still had a wife. Aaron had lost his wife and had a son that didn’t understand his mommy wasn’t coming home. And everyone knew that Aaron didn’t believe in heaven. He would pretend for Jack’s sake, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

“Aaron,” he called out. 

Because the man couldn’t be Hotch. He needed to be Aaron.

He didn’t look up but he froze, like he was afraid of getting hurt.

Dave went and sat beside him. Aaron kept his head buried in his hands, and the other profiler sighed. Nobody else could have this conversation with him, but he hadn’t even started and it was hurting him.

“You need to forgive yourself Aaron,” he whispered.

Aaron turned to him, eyes filled with tears. “Dave, I can’t.”

“But why not?”

“Because I don’t deserve it.”

Dave’s heart tightened. Aaron deserved forgiveness for all his mistakes and flaws because he had already paid for them in his blood and the blood of all those he held near. When would it be enough? When would it all stop?

“I’m telling you that you do.”

Aaron turned away.

Dave placed a hand under his chin and tilted his head up. Aaron’s eyes were full of unshed tears and demons he was so afraid of anyone seeing, but that he was too tired to hide. There was pain that should never have been felt by anyone branded in the sadness of his gaze.

“You deserve forgiveness. You deserve to be loved and cherished and held as though you mean something. You deserve to hear your name- your first name- and think of love and safety.”

Aaron struggled, but Dave moved his hands so he was grasping his shoulders.

“Your name means exalted. And I know that you have never felt like that before, but I swear, from this moment on you will. I love you. The team love you. Jack loves you and we would not love you if you were the bad person you are so afraid of becoming. So let go. Let go of everything that has happened and learn.”

“Dave,” Aaron choked out. He’d never felt so seen. So worthy of anything.

“She forgave you long ago. We all forgave you long ago. Everyone that matters has forgiven you. You are a good person. You are more than your flaws and bad decisions. So let go. Forgive yourself.”

The tears that he had kept pent up for the sake of his son, Jessica, his team, and in some ways, himself- he couldn’t let himself be weak or emotional after all the times he had failed- finally fell. 

His sobs filled the church that had never given him relief and Dave held him as he finally found it.

And when he was done, he carried on holding him, praying it would be enough.

It wasn’t perfect, and it never would be, but for the first time in his life, Aaron felt like he was enough. He felt light.

He felt forgiven.

**Author's Note:**

> once again, i have no idea what the point in this was. i wrote it last night in like forty minutes and uploaded it straight to tumblr (yourlocalheartbreaker) with absolutlely no proofreading. 
> 
> :)


End file.
